Deja vu

•What’s wrong with me?•

I’ll never understand it. There’s nights where I just never feel enough. Those nights I sit alone while the world passes by and I’m stuck, like a stick in the mud. Life is going by and I feel like all I have is the dogs.  He’s out working again. Any normal job you work and rush home. Not this one. This one leads to endless, countless evenings alone while he stays back and drinks with his buddies. Being woken up at 2am, 3am even sometimes 4am to a drunk boyfriend who doesn’t have respect to keep it quiet. Don’t get me wrong, he’s amazing when he’s sober. I love him. However sometimes two people are just too different to make it work. He doesn’t see how him being so high and drunk all the time is pushing me away. So what now? Do I fall into the same old habit of sitting home alone while he finds something better to do? Why am I always good enough to sit beside but never to be associated with? It seems like I’m worthless. I’m not worthy of a mans attention. Where did I go wrong? I give them everything they want. Do I want to be with someone who can’t even stay sober around me? Am I that terrible? Am I only good enough when they want something? I feel so disrespected. I’m so confused with what I want right now. Didn’t I just escape this lifestyle in my marriage? I’m loosing faith that I’m meant to be with anyone.

– lost crooks